I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
