cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
