Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
