I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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