the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
His nipple licking is glorious
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
