i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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