I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
