im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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