DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The struggles of a small town man whore
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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