no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
