my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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