I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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