He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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