hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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