I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
