Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
