i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
