woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Randomize