nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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