um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
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you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
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