Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
