my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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