you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
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the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
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Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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