There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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