Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
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She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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