Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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