So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
