Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
