my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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