dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
