We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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