She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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