I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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