I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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