im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
