I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
