are you so shy because you have an std?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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