go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i drank out of a bidet.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
