big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
