The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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