tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
