Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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