Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
