I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
