He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think your dad took our porno
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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