His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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