I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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