ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
