i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
my liver is dry heaving
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I smell like Dick and happiness
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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