FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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