I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
