upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
