No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
