Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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